nofreakinfluff

Good News! My mortgage went down! Bad news - only $38/mo but that’s about $500 a yr! And I get a $1500 check for overpayment in Escrow - woo hoo! My first thought was the fuel tank! Yeah - the heat is off for the summer - but I’m really stressin over the price of fuel for heating this coming winter… that would really help! And that was the plan!

Good News! My truck Insurance went down $91/mo! That’s HUGE!!! I’ve been payin out the ass for that for about 18mos!

Plain News!  I finally gave in and applied for unemployment…. I didn’t want to… hadn’t planned on it. I quit my job in Oct last yr and haven’t really looked - I’ve looked, but I haven’t *really* looked for work since.  I cashed in all my investments against everyone better advice and against my better judgment - to live on all winter and especially for the trip I took with ma in May to Michigan. Eh - I just don’t value a dollar like some do. It’s just money — it’s only me n the dogs at home - not like I have a bunch of kids to support. I’d rather be happy n broke that have the cash flowin in and be miserable.  I need to work.. I just don’t want to go back to being miserable - so I was looking for something else? Something else - like what? I have no idea!!!  Here I am - 39yrs old - once again trying to decide what I wanna be when I grow up! Oh Wait! I AM a grown up! Damn… well - I still don’t know what I’m gonna do.  But when you apply for unemployment you have to upload your resume and you have to look for a job. Okay - but there’s only two months of summer left - I was gonna try to milk it… I’m not opposed to working… I’m opposed to being miserable. That’s an easy sacrifice to make when you’re doing it to support your spouse and or kids (family)…

Bad news - I pretty much blew my wad while in MI!  Blew what I had and some of what I didn’t have. Eh - my own fault… kind of expected that. No regrets!  Like I said - it’s just me n the dogs - we’ll be fine.  Things are tight. But again I AM okay with that. I don’t have a problem with that! My *eh-hem* figure will allow for a LOT of leeway in weather or not I eat everyday! ha ha ha — and I do mean that. It’s only hard when people ask you to go do things. I don’t like to say - “I can’t, I don’t have any money.” Because then they either say, “It’s my treat.” which IS nice of them - but it feels bad to me when it happens more than once.  OR they say, “Well I’ll loan it to you.” Because I don’t want to borrow anything from anyone.  Oh gawd no - *borrowing* is NOT what I need to do [or want to do] right now, especially now! So - No biggie - I’ve just had to learn how to saw “No. Thank You” - period, and am literally not doing anything… just staying home… reading and writing and stuff… not even mowing my lawn because of the gas! Then my sister brought me gas - like a week n a half ago!! How freaking cool is that?! And it’s rained every day or night since! ha ha - but - I have gas to mow down my jungle when it does dry out — it will! (still wet today – I walk through it every mid-day to check! Maybe tomorrow if it doesn’t rain tonight — it’s really really long.. I might just have to mow it wet!)

Bad news - Sarge hurt himself or pulled a muscle in his right hindquarter or something before I left for MI… Usually only saw signs after he’d been to the neighbor’s house running and playing w/ her dogs. Then it progressed to: fine in the morning, a little limp mid-day, and a prominent limp come night. Then one day when my sister was over here (the day I sucked the wine through the cork to get it out of the bottle) we noticed he wasn’t putting weight on it at all. That’s not good. I knew that was gonna be bad. From then on he was limping almost all the time and barely putting weight on it by nightfall every day. Being he is such a big dog I thought for sure it was his hips. Big dogs are notorious for hip problems. I’ve managed to take 10 pounds off him, but he still weighs 130 pounds! And that’s a good weight for him… ya can feel the ribs but can’t see em… perfect. So… I would have bet the money I don’t have on hips!

Good News!  It’s not his hips! YAY!!! All three of the dogs were due for their annual check-up… but Sarge needed the attention NOW – so I took him to the vet…

Bad news. It’s his knees… primarily right knee… for now. But just like humans… the more they baby one side the more stress they put on the other side.  The vet told me that day that he needed exploratory surgery like – yesterday! But the vet doesn’t allow payments – well… Then it would have to wait till payday.  It was estimated at $266… uhh…. turned out to be $450! And the results are what the vet suspected… he needs some serious surgery on that knee – ASAP. This one is bad (ACL tear, fluid, swelling, bone spurs, etc) and the other one is going to be bad too… and the longer he waits to get this one done, the faster the other one will deteriorate! So – guess where that refund from the mortgage escrow is going? Yep! And, the vet’s estimate for this next step? About $3G - $3700. Hmm… okay…Yes – at some point you have to realize that the cost of keeping the dog alive becomes ridiculous and you have to weigh reality. It’s a dog.  If he was old – or even significantly older, I would have to really consider this and what’s to come next. However – he’s not old. He’s 5. He’s spry and otherwise very healthy and seems happy. I had Emit, also a big dog (not quite as big, but…) for 12 years – awesome years. The pain slows Sarge down, but he’s still wanting to romp and play – he’s just not allowed! So – it must be done.

Good News!  They took hip x-rays to be sure – “The great news is that his hips are beautiful! Perfect! No sign of breakdown, nice, tight socket! This really pleases me.” the vet said. Yay!

Good News! Since he’s going to be on Rimadyl now – we needed baseline blood work. For the *most* part Rimadyl is a great treatment for many dogs who suffer from inflammation in general, especially arthritis. However – there are serious side effects, even if rare, that need to be considered. Dogs have died in a very short time and their deaths blamed on Rimadyl for lack of anything else wrong or new. So… *sigh* I added that blood work to today’s regime. Across the board his results are right down the middle – which is great news.  But this also means monthly blood work for the first 3 months – then every other month for the next six months, then twice a year annually. Yes – this is a familiar path, I went through this with Emit. But Emit found new life and I still thank Rimadyl for his last two years – at least.

The annual Mutt March is coming up on the 13th. The one mutt-centered event that we never miss. The one day I get to take my dogs to town to meet with a hundred or so other people who also love their mutts and can show off my ‘kids’ where everyone else is showin’ off their ‘kids’ and that’s the whole reason we’re all there! To support the shelter and adopting dogs vs. buying dogs from pet store of having them bred. The proceeds benefit the animal shelter I think – and they’ll have several adoptable dogs there too. My ‘kids’ are always a hit because of the extreme difference; 130lb Sarge, 6.5lb Lupe, and 9lb Jake – who even though he’s overweight – is extremely active and so excited to walk with me every day (well – most days!).

I’ll still take the little ones on the Mutt March - but Sarge can’t walk w/ us - so I’m looking for someone willing to set with him inside Alaskaland (Pioneer Park – whatever) while we walk so he can at least be around the other dogs. He’s been the biggest dog there for the last three years… he *has* to go! We’re just waiting for them Mastiff and Great Dane pups to grow up! I’ll call the lady who was so nice as to bring him to me! She saved him once; maybe she’ll wanna spend a little time w/ him!

So – good news, bad news, good news, bad news… the teeter totter has been an emotionally tiring, stressful few days (weeks) – but I have the time and freedom to juggle it – so I guess that’s another good thing.

My mind says to write, write, write without fear,
my conscious says to wait until tomorrow
when things are clear,
my subconscious reminds me that if I wait
I’ll lose everything I’m thinking of
so I must write
I must write, tonight

I love you and you mean the world to me
but we are still bonding
screw me once, shame on me
or was that hurt me once, shame on you

I want to trust you
and someday I will
maybe someday soon
to an extent I do
but I wanna trust one hundred percent
it just takes time

you are my sister
and I want that closeness again
once it was free, a given,
but now it has to grow

nothing to worry about,
no weight on your shoulders
except patience
if patience equals weight

you have no idea what our time means to me
time on the phone
time together
every time; all the time

I woke nearing 1400
time to get ready to go
I took a long bath
Oh how I love my bath time

I love the hot water
my meditation womb
the time which I think the best
and miss so much
because it flees by the time I write more — »

I just woke up… ya I know - noon:30. Feels like I’ve wasted half the day (like I waste every other day too, but…). I didn’t get to bed till 7am and I still think that’s only because I gave in and took an Ambien, so 5.5 hours isn’t excessive - it’s just right. But I really do hate waking up much past 10A no matter what time I go to bed… 10 just feels right, and anything earlier feels like I’m getting a jump on my day of doing nothing.

So I log into Google and see their famous logo all dressed up for a holiday, like they always do. I hover over it and it says, “Summer Solstice”. I thought, “You’re early silly, that’s not till tomorrow! Everyone knows it’s the 21st of June every year. ha ha” For some reason I clicked on the link… never done that before… it leads to a Google Search on whatever the hover text is, I guess. Sho nuff… it’s today! I never realized that it falls on the 20th every four years. Where have I been? Ahhh - this is the earliest it’s been since 1896! No wonder it’s news to me!

Summer Solstice - longest day of the year
June (6/20/08, 6/21/09, 6/21/10, 6/21/11, 6/20/12, 6/21/13, 6/21/14, 6/21/15, 6/20/16, 6/21/17, 6/21/18, 6/21/19, 6/20/20)

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Holy Crap! The Short Bus was NOT a stupid Humor/Comedy!!

“Through graphic polymorphous sexual couplings — and using an ensemble cast composed largely of first-time actors — the film chronicles each character’s erotic journey of self-discovery in a raw and riveting fashion.”

LMFAO!!  Nope Nope Nope – it’s a raunchy independent film! I love it because it breaks so many rules – stupid rules anyway! If you’ve ever watched Real Sex on HBO – better! yet… pretty F’ing gross too!  And strange… sometimes I like strange… this is what I needed yesterday! But what I found was pretty damned good too. I do NOT recommend this to my friends or family however!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only those w/ WIDE open minds and very broad horizons!

Get comfortable – this is a long one.

I woke this morning way too early. It was a combination of a full bladder, a whining dog (who also had a full bladder) and that damned nest of extremely noisy woodpeckers outside my window. Oh, I don’t mean it. The woodpeckers aren’t damned, I love all the baby birds around here, but it is a lot like noisy kids. I don’t hate the kids, I hate the noise.

It began as a beautiful day. I drove down to Mocha Dan’s to get a cuppa java using my last filled punch card that I’d saved all winter. I saved them all winter knowing I’d be too broke this summer to buy coffee hut coffee… I’ve been using them only on the weekends, trying to make them last. I came home and heated up the left-overs from dinner at Gallo’s yesterday with sister and mother. It was really a great breakfast – missing only eggs, but I see no reason to buy a dozen eggs when I want only two, so I went without. It was still good, finished off with my coffee as if desert. more — »

I’m mad. Flat out pisssed off. The kind of mad you feel deep and long, maybe all day.

The worst part… I just woke up. It was a dream. But I still feel it. Real anger. Logically, I’m awake, I know it was just a dream. Physiologically, I still feel it, in my muscles, in my veins, my heart is still pounding – my arm hurts.

I can’t even begin to tell you the dream, because it makes no sense. I could set here babbling the words that describe what happened, but they won’t make sense either.

I can say I was someplace with a few people, we were waiting for something. We arrived late in the evening, it wasn’t quite dark outside, but almost… the sun was setting behind the building as I entered it. While waiting, I fell asleep; dozed off, as one may do in a waiting room. When I woke, they were gone. I wasn’t alone though, the place was filled with other people. I was frantic! I looked everywhere for my people, to no avail. I finally saw an employee I recognized from when we had all arrived, so I asked her where my people were. She rolled her eyes, let out a breath heavy with annoyance, and half motioned for me to follow her. more — »

Every Sunday PostSecret.com posts 10 new secrets… it’s like a ritual of mine to read them. Recently - I found PS on FaceBook as well =) this means - I can get up to 20 new secrets a week. I love this project. I HATE that the secrets don’t stay up forever… I hate that if you miss a couple of weeks - they’re gone - never to be seen again - unless they show up in one of the published books. However - that makes the whole project even more valuable in a sense.

Now - reading the secrets on the PS website is just that. Viewing. I see some responses, but I suspect those are sent to the publisher and he decides which, if any, responses to submissions are published. On FaceBook however, commenting is part of posting photos. I see notes of how comments may be removed - but am unclear if this means ALL comments, or just the disrespectful ones. more — »

A couple yrs ago I rolled a friend’s truck. I haven’t been able to listen to the radio while driving ever since… EXCEPT apparently when I’m on vacation in Michigan and driving a rental car…. or if on a long strip.
Here at home in Squarebanks, I drive from home to the store (3-5 miles), maybe to the doctor (5 mi), or even if I go to the farthest away restaurant I can think of that I’ve gone to (maybe 15 mi), but if I turn the radio on or put a CD in, it’s off again before I know it. When I go visit my friend Greta however, way out in BFa on the other side of Salcha (about 45 mi) I listen to music. I’ve put only 2500 miles on my truck since November, yet I haven’t gone anywhere. Not really. Barely even time for an oil chance yet.
I noticed both on my trip to MI in Oct as well as this one I just returned from - that I listened to the radio ALL the time! This time is was just too convenient with all the controls in that little Suzuki Forenza rental right there on the steering wheel - I didn’t even have to think or look to turn the music on or off or search for other stations! THAT was very sweet! Maybe it’s because in sixteen days I put 2500 miles on the car driving from N-S Greenville to Middleville and more — »

Before I left for MI I finally broke down and ordered my new glasses. *sigh* For the last couple of years the doc would give me a new script w/ bifocals… but that adds quite a bit to the cost. I’ve worn bifocals before - it was several years ago, but it had to be the lined bifocals and it was for therapeutic reasons. One eye wasn’t following the other like it’s supposed to, so wearing the bifocals helped give that one eye a little ‘physical therapy’. After a year or two - I didn’t have to wear them anymore. Well - those days are gone.

I’ve been having troubles with my eyes for the last couple years… oddities in night driving where all (I mean ALL) lights give off a fanning upward and outward, like a funnel. Considering we have just long, dark winters - it’s been really bothersome. My eyes also hurt a lot, and I had to start using lubricating gel (vs. eye drops), and over the past year I developed a serious ‘drop shadow’ on all text and fine lines. Not quite seeing double, but seeing a second copy of {whatever} setting about 40% below and left and at about 50% transparency of the original. It was really really annoying while I was working. Since I quit working in October - it’s not gotten any better, but when it gets annoying - I just do something else or stop reading for a while. It’s most noticeable when I read, and I suspect part of my chronic headaches. So… for that little problem - the doc gave me a prism! *sigh* and told me under no uncertain terms, “You are too old not to be wearing your bifocals! Single vision glasses won’t work for you anymore. At least not for now. And you *need* the prism too. So, as much as you want to rebel, just DO it!”

Fine! But I won’t like it.

I’m not feeling too hot today anyway. I didn’t sleep at all last night - literally not a wink. I’m coughing and sneezing and my head hurts (big surprise) it feels like allergies, but I’m only allergic to horses and cows ***as far as I know**. I did this in MI for a few days though too… so maybe I am getting something from the trees. Ehh, no biggie - I took a little Zyrtec around midnight - but no relief as of yet. my throat itches, making me cough a lot, then I gag, and almost hurl. I was glad my Sis and I decided to wait another week to go back to Curves (else we lose a month on our memberships.. this way they’re give us a month extension) - I could hardly stand there and talk to her for 20 min as I kept coughing and gagging.. I just wanted to go home. Ahh… but didn’t wanna waste the gas, and I had a doctor appointment on post so I decided to go to Walmart and pick up my new glasses.

While in the USAF in Germany at Hana AB, I worked for a year in optometry. That by no means makes me any kind of an expert - but I will confidently claim that I know more about eyeballs, vision, and glasses than the average Joe. Eyeballs fascinate me! The field fascinated me! It’s been so so long ago though. The lady at Walmart talked to me abut how the bifocals work in relations to my new field of vision vs. what I was used to, that and the fact that I have a prism now “might make you nauseous the first couple days”. Boy Howdy - does it ever! LOTS of breathing deep & slow, and water! I’d rebel and take them off - but *gasp* what a freaking concept! I CAN SEE! AND I see SINGLE lines!! Well, mostly - instead of 40% shadow, it’s more like 20% and only on the bottom - the doc gave me only half of the prism that I measured at, so the adjustment wouldn’t be drastic… meaning I’ll get a new script next year! (I do every year…). So, “Don’t you wish you’d done this earlier?!” No - that was $486 I could have kept and been happy! Ahh shit - I suppose it’s worth it… at least the VA pays for the exam!

They’re exactly the same style as I’ve been wearing, except that the frames are gold instead of blue. This is the only time you’ll see me wear gold… on my glasses - er… and on my teeth (crowns!).

Monday last I got that little salmon coloured piece of paper in my mailbox that sets my heart a twitter (not to be confused with actual twittering - however if that could transfer straight from me to twitter.com - that would be awesome) — I got a package. Also before I left for MI, in hopes of USING them in MI, I ordered Eagle Eyes sunglasses. The kind I can wear over my glasses. I usually wear the little spring loaded ones that grab on to the front of your glasses… I like them! But - sometimes the sun isn’t right in front of you! Like - while you’re driving… it can be on the side, above, or if you’re laying on the ground for some reason - below. So I got the Eagle Eyes… HOPING they’d come before I went to MI!

YES - I look a little retarded… but OMFingG - they really do what the commercial says! They are amazing! I will post a pic of me w/ my over sized bug-eyes when I get one!

*sigh* For the last two years a robin, I can only assume the same one, has built her nest on *top* of my motion lights by my front door. Not a bad thing as I don’t use my front door anyway so she’s relatively uninterrupted while setting on her eggs and raising her babies (photos on Flickr!). Last year she had TWO SETS of babies!!! I didn’t know they did that… I checked in on her daily… I’d stand out in front of the house watching the nest and once she had babies I’d stand there watching their neked little blind heads bobbing up and down begging for food every time she left the nest. As they matured, I’d set out in my truck int he driveway watching the babies gain the courage to leave the nest and once they did make the jump - usually just falling the 8 feet to the porch, I’d watch them wobble and stumble their way to the yard — all the while stressing myself out because I was worried for them… worried they’d die from the fall, worried one of my dogs would find them helpless in the grass, worried they’d fall through the cracks of the slats on the porch… it was stressing me out watching this beauty of nature because I feel some sense of responsibility for them. I found a dead robin right next to the house mid summer - assuming it was someone’s mama or daddy because it wasn’t a baby - and OMG I felt so awful!

Well, at the end of both season I had to remove the nest because it interrupted the functioning of my motion lights with the bits of grass and twigs hanging down over the motion detecting eye. When she returned the second year and built her nest int he same place - I thought it was okay. But this year - she built her nest while I was in Michigan…. 4 FEET from the main door of my house. The one I use! The one that is inside the little portable fence I put up for the little dogs. The one closest to the most traffic. And now she flies away every time I even go near the door, even just to look out at her. I cleaned the window really good yesterday in hopes of stealing some great photos this summer… I feel horrible! If she’d just stay there on her nest - she’d see that I won’t bother her at all, but instead every time I make a move I fear I’m interfering with her ability to raise her family. She’s really fat so she hasn’t laid her eggs yet - but when she does I sure hope she’ll feel more compelled to stay on her nest and learn to ignore me. Of course - Now I’m afraid to clean that part of yard that’s right next to her because there are lots of leaves there = her food is nearby. I’m afraid to mow the grass there because of the noise and possibility of the grass shooting out and ending up in her nest (it’s only 4 ft off the ground where she is) and disrupting her natural nest-keeping practices. And I definitely can’t spray that side of the yard, or that side of th house, like I do every year - spraying for ants & mosquitoes - because it will certainly poison her. So I swear - as much as I love birds and nature - this damned robin is going to stress me out! Photos to follow, in the 2008 Robins album, as eggs are lain and babies are hatched! (also on my MySpace and FaceBook)

I had someplace to be at 1p today that was pretty important to me. For those who know me little – I’m a freak when it comes to getting dressed up for anything. For those who know me well – you have no idea how freaky! lol Weddings and funerals are about all I dress up for and the occasional work related (or trying to get work related) event. It puts me completely out of my element – even though I logically know it’s no big deal – they’re just clothes and it’s just a better level of behavior – that’s all. Occasionally a little make up and hair work – but I don’t think it’s the dressing up or the fluffing that really freaks me out. It’s this irrational, illogical fear that I’m going to do something or say something completely stupid or inappropriate. Honestly – it just comes along with the territory of some of my issues . Call me a mental case if it’s easier for you to grasp! Anyhow…

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I got home today at noon almost on the dot. There’s some interesting stuff in there I’ll blog about on another day.. but waiting for the fuel guys was hell!  I finally cracked the door a little - to assure the dogs would hear him, and went ot lay down. Fully clothed, boots still on - hangin off the end of the bed, I even still had my MSU ballcap on still. I just laid down “for a minit”. I’m not sure what time that was - around 2-230 I think.  The fuel guy showed up around 330-4pm… 431gal of fuel at $3.12/gal. Ouch — but Yay! Whodathunk that after being up for about 36 hours, that 1-2 hours would give me just enough that I’m still awake since the fuel guy left.. and am waiting till 10ish to crash. LL couldn’t make it tonight - so it all works out. Who knows.. maybe I can get back on a ‘normal people’ schedule. I doubt it! ha ha

OMG - Tomorrow Today is going to be a ruff day!

For the most part - I have no a minimal social life. I’ve not been working since 26 Sept. I don’t go anywhere I don’t have to and I don’t do much outside the house. I go out every couple months (or longer) w/ a couple friends and then I’m good for the next couple a months (or more). I meet with mother and sister ever once in a while for lunch, or go visit the sis for a couple hours ‘way out in NP’ (like it’s sooo far away!). If I have a dr. apt I might go to lunch by myself after wards or the very rare occasion someone asks me to go grab a bite to eat - but other than that I don’t even really eat out. I need smokes once a week and usually grab enough groceries for the week when that day comes. IMHO the less I go out the less money I spend. And When you’re living on a very limited income - that’s the way to live. And I’m TOTALLY okay with ALL of that.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy this week has drama tho! I got my check from cashing in my 403B. Oo yeah - exciting… but it’s not play money - I got stuff to take care of, and ever since I went back to MI to visit friends and family… I finally have the brother I always wanted but never had, more — »

I’m a little uneasy. I can’t even put my own thoughts on this into words right now except to say that if you thought I was already freaked out by this the other day, it doesn’t really compare to how I’m feeling now. My mother called me this evening to let me know there’s been another wolf attack. Read the latest article below!

“Freaked out” isn’t really the right choice of words. I’m freaked out by the dream I had the other night — seriously - it was so freaking real I felt pain - flesh pain - long after I woke up! And - its recurred a couple times since - but I wake up almost immediately - so on the logical level - I know it’s my own dreams that make me so uneasy. I have a great imagination for such a terror, and it’s sometimes my worst enemy. more — »