nofreakinfluff

Why do people have such a hard time accepting a point of view that is ‘unconventional’, or outside of what they think should be the norm, or one that is completely against ‘political correctness’, or one that – if said in a different tone – may be considered negative? Why do they automatically think that this point of view is negative when the person expressing it says so in a matter-of-fact sense vs. a “woe-is-me, I’m seeking sympathy” sense? Why do people ask the things they do that lead to answer they don’t like, then try to change your mind or minimize the potential impact of the answer because it is unconventional or possibly politically incorrect? Or simply one they don’t know how to take!  NONE of these are questions I want answered… they’re hypothetical.  What led to this is a doctor appointment I had this morning at the VA. That possibly combined with a mood and attitude that has been funkier than I’ve experienced in a very long time.

I confess – I’m closer to “crazy” than I’ve ever been. I also confess that the “funk” I usually experience 31 Oct – 1 Jan did start much earlier this year – June-ish –  and now that 31 Oct is just a few days away – it’s markedly decreasing, and I know this is just the beginning. We lost our VA shrink in July and don’t/won’t have a replacement as of yet, and when the visiting shrink does arrive, IMHO he’s a drug dealer –meaning that a guy who visits every couple of months not only doesn’t have the time to get to know you and your issues, but he also doesn’t have the vested interest. He’s a visiting provider who can prescribe the drugs that keep you middle-of-the-road and that’s about it. Any other questions you answer of him are standard procedure – and those are the same no matter where you go. It’s no secret that I need a shrink worst now than I have in several years – then yet – maybe I just feel that way because I haven’t had one in 5 months. We do not have any good ones here in town (yes – we have shrinks, but the choices are very few and some suspected sordid. The VA probably would approve me an off-site shrink anymore anyway. Such is life – I’ll hunker down and cope and I’ll make it through – I always do.

Some time early last year while my previous provider and myself were trying to get to the bottom of some deep seated internal issues, and I realized I would never really be able to bear my soul to a doctor, I told her, “Honestly, I’ll never tell you the whole truth, but I promise to never lie to you” or something very close but I can still quote it because it means the same as the other way it could be worded, and because I said it. Anyhow – that was off the top of my head when I first said it – but I’ve noticed that this is pretty much how I treat people in general.

I know I’ve blogged about this before – but the recap is essential to what happened this morning. Strangers who ask, “how are you?” don’t really want to know, they just ask because it’s polite – so I can say anything I want to, and I never tell them the ‘truth’. Close friends and family who ask, depending on how they ask, may get a more truthful answer, “I’m okay” or “I’m hangin in there” or “things are tight but I’m fine” or on the brightest of days, “I’m good” meant in the sincerest of ways as a comparison to a lot of people who are worse off than I am. To those I truly love and care for – my heart is an open book worn on my sleeve – but they still have to ask. I’m not going to just open up like a broken dam on everyone who asks, “How are you” because then you get labeled as the person nobody wants to ask for fear of being drowned in the flood!  I know people like that and I’ve avoided people like that.  I don’t want to be that person. If they come right out and ask something specific though – I will answer them honestly – if they want me to.  But that’s a pretty tight requirement!  That’s okay IMO, because I don’t expect any of them to get that specific, but I promise not to lie if they do. That’s the best I can offer.

So – what happened this morning? I went in for a routine follow up. The general provider put me on high blood pressure (HBP) meds and high cholesterol meds back in May. This was my follow up for that! A general 6mo follow up. Upon checking in of course they get your vitals – height/weight/ BP, etc. Ahhh – the dreaded scale.  I’ve gains 24 lbs since I stopped going to Curves in May.  Sadly – but honestly – I don’t care. It just means that now I have 124# to lose vs. 100# to lose, to get to my ideal weight. I’m sorry I don’t care, I really wish I did, but obviously if I did, I would do something about it. I want to be thin again, I really do – but the only reason I want to be thin again is so my corpse won’t be so heavy and disgusting. Oh sure – it would be nice to move again w/ huffing and puffing or without the chronic pain involved! It would be nice to wear jeans again – haven’t worn jeans in almost 10 yrs. It would be GREAT to feel sexy again. It would be nice not to be absolutely disgusted by every photo I see myself in. But that’s not a driving force Nothing is. Nothing drives me or motivates me anymore – and NOBODY can fix that but me. Nobody can motivate YOU, but you. *I* know that – I’m not asking anyone else to motivate me. So it confuses me why people keep trying to. Just stop it.

While in with the doctor he {just doing his job, I know and understand that} asked me if I wanted to quit smoking. I gave my standard answer, “No. But when I do make that decision to quit – you folks will be the first ones I come to for help.” The problem is – other than the extreme cost of smoking – I couldn’t care less. I want to die young. And this is where the hypothetical questions I started out with, come into play.  He asked, er… he lectured, “You know – you’re almost 40 [years old] and all of the ailments you have will only put you at a much higher risk for life-threatening illnesses: emphysema, heart attack, stroke, ….” I could only respond, “I know. Thank you.” Of course, then he had to press me. “Life will be much worse for you after a stroke or a heart attack.” To which I respond, “If I live, which, if something like that happened, I would hope I wouldn’t.” He said, “Ya know, we’re getting pretty good at saving people from things like that!” I respond, “I hope not on that day.” This is where I start getting uncomfortable. This is where I need to clam up and just tell him what he wants to hear. This is where I wanted to conversation to end.

He came back with, “Don’t you have things you want to do in life?” I was honest when I said, “Not really”.  What do you want? A lie?  Sorry – I’ve been completely goal-less, uninspired, and unmotivated for a long while now. I looked for change for a long time before I finally accepted it as my reality. Who are you to tell me I’m wrong? Who are you to tell me my feelings are wrong? This is – again – where those first questions come into play.  I apologize that my outlook is too grim for you to handle. I apologize that my reality goes against everything people are supposed to strive for. I apologize that how I truly feel, honestly, upsets you and your view of how I should feel. This is precisely why I don’t give the entire, unabridged truth, in general, all the time. This is also exactly why the worse I feel, the more I withdrawal. It’s very personal. It’s my problem not yours, and I’m not looking for you to ‘save’ me. My outlook is completely and totally sincere – not a ‘cry for help’. But like the goriest movie you could imagine – if you can’t handle it, then please, don’t press the issue beyond the sugar coated, abridged, scrubbed response you’ll get with the first question. He had to make matters better by asking me, “Have you ever been seen for depression?” Are you kidding me? DU’UDE – do you READ the medical records? Have you wondered at all why I have a mood stabilizer, and anti-depressant, and an anti-anxiety/panic drug in my drug list right in front of you? Der – what would YOU conclude?! *sigh* I guess Captain Obvious had the day off today! lmao I simply answered, “Yes, I’ve been treated for being hypo-manic bipolar for years – but I’m not suicidal and I’m no harm to myself or others – so no need to worry.” That last part I’ve rehearsed in my head a billion times – in case it came up – as I knew it would somewhere. In the 20 minutes I was there – he spent 90% of his time writing notes, with barely any eye contact and even less actual contact.  He did a very brief exam on me – he listened to my lungs and heart and pressed on my abdomen a few times; filled a couple prescriptions, ordered some fasting labs, wrote a ticket for the front-counter folks to see me again in six months, and that was it.

I mean no disrespect at all to anyone who asks such things of people, anyone, they know if they’re sincerely interested. But OMG people – if you don’t like the answer you get – don’t try to change it, it’s not your answer. Respect the feelings of the person you asked and open your mind just a little to the fact that some people don’t believe in fairy tales, some have no hope for something better, and some simply want their time on this planet to get over with as son as possible: it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re suicidal. Maybe that’s just their point of view. Likewise – there’s no need to avoid them either. Offer yourself – your time, your assistance of needed/wanted and mean it if you do offer it – and step back realizing that person appreciated you taking them seriously and not patronizing them. Yeah – it might be a sad thought, but it’s their reality; not yours.

I don’t want to be a negative Ninny - which is why, for the most part, I withdrawal. I could write about everything going through my head and heart - but that would be too much evidence to have me committed, and that would be exactly what people would use against me. I remain silent when I feel the worst because nobody wants to hear what tortures your heart, not really.
Now – if you don’t mind – I’m freezing and for some reason, my feet are like ice. I’m going to go back to what I was losing myself in before this ate a hole in my better judgment to remain silent about it.

The path we walk is rarely the path we planned on walking
And the journey we took is rarely the dream we’d intended
Likewise the people we end up with are rarely the people we
thought we would be with when we got there.
Love Always — Aunt Sue

I’ve been racking my brain for months for a few words of wisdom to share with my nephew who is going through a real tough time. What do you say though to someone who is 20 yrs your junior, who barely knows you, much less has any real respect, earned respect, for you except that which he’s been raise with (respecting your elders) because you’ve never really been close? What do you say to someone who doesn’t know what weight your words may carry because though they have heard stories, they don’t really know what you’ve been through, therefore your words may be just that — words? What do you say, what can you say, to someone whose situation currently seems so dire that maybe nothing will help? So whatever you have to say absolutely must be short, to the point, and must be something they can relate to. It must be relevant. They also must be words that make sense and aren’t filled with an air or attitude like “trust me, I know” — because ultimately their crisis is their own and when we are in crisis — someone else saying trust me never really gains our trust or sets us at ease. I write letters - but I don’t think anything I say really means anything… I speculate they’re just letters to take up time.

This time I just wanted to send a postcard… It’s been setting here staring at me for a week… a blank postcard… staring at me just waiting for the right words to fill that tiny space. I’m not a poet…  but I wanted to write something poetic. I’ve heard he writes poetry and I’d love to read some of it. To date he’s never shared any… This popped into my head just now. I scribbled it onto the coveted sacred postcard from my freshly opened Moleskine (if you don’t know what I’m talking about - don’t worry about it) - but I don’t want to lose it so I copied it here too. I hope it speaks to him. I love that kid more than he will ever know… they never really know do they.

Why is Billy Mays always yelling? I do like his infomercials, I DO! But the yelling…. I will LISTEN to damned near anyone who wants to talk to me about damned near anything… but I can’t stand the yelling =( I watch infomercials… and occasionally buy things from them. Less often though now that I know where else to get the same items, but they’re still informative!  …but I can’t stand the yelling =( Please don’t yell at me — ever, I’ll just walk away. Or in Billy’s case… turn the channel.

I’m watching Private Sessions… because it’s the only thing on in this time slot - as I often do… and today’s guest is Avril Lavigne.  I can’t say I’m really an Avril 8fan* but I have heard at least a few of her songs that I do like - even though the topics may be silly to me. So far, Complicated is my favorite of her songs that I’ve heard - and honestly - I didn’t know who sang it until I just heard her sing it!  It was a relationship theme song 2beaus ago - ha ha!

I probably wouldn’t have put much stock in this song, except that I heard her talk about it in the interview. She’s known more for the upbeat songs about crappy boyfriends or hating their girlfriends or whatever… but she said the response to this one surprised her because it tends to make people cry. Now… I’m an easy cry when it comes to MotH… unless you tell me in advance… then I’m ready for it!  Had I heard the song on the radio I probably wouldn’t have listened that closely, however, in the interview she said she thinks so many people can relate to this one because it’s not necessarily about a boy/girl griend… it’s not meant ot be about any one type of relationship. Minus a few specific lyrics, it can be about anyone you love and mis… a brother/sister left behind, a best friend you miss, or whomever.  So keeping that in mind, when I heard it.. i was thinkign of someoen who’s time I can never get eough of… someone I was accustomed to seeing nearly every day betwen school/work… and I admt.. when more than a week goes by not talkng t them I do begin to miss them terribly. Since neither of us are phone talkers, we’ve never talked on the phone (chatted other than a quick message I mean) even though sometimes I want to call them so bad… so yes… whe n I heard the song.. I cried! i know - I’m such a sap!

When You’re Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

Chorus:
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

Chorus:
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Bridge:
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me yeah

Chorus:
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Damn I miss the 80s… I could add this to the list for a mixed tape!

Good News! My mortgage went down! Bad news - only $38/mo but that’s about $500 a yr! And I get a $1500 check for overpayment in Escrow - woo hoo! My first thought was the fuel tank! Yeah - the heat is off for the summer - but I’m really stressin over the price of fuel for heating this coming winter… that would really help! And that was the plan!

Good News! My truck Insurance went down $91/mo! That’s HUGE!!! I’ve been payin out the ass for that for about 18mos!

Plain News!  I finally gave in and applied for unemployment…. I didn’t want to… hadn’t planned on it. I quit my job in Oct last yr and haven’t really looked - I’ve looked, but I haven’t *really* looked for work since.  I cashed in all my investments against everyone better advice and against my better judgment - to live on all winter and especially for the trip I took with ma in May to Michigan. Eh - I just don’t value a dollar like some do. It’s just money — it’s only me n the dogs at home - not like I have a bunch of kids to support. I’d rather be happy n broke that have the cash flowin in and be miserable.  I need to work.. I just don’t want to go back to being miserable - so I was looking for something else? Something else - like what? I have no idea!!!  Here I am - 39yrs old - once again trying to decide what I wanna be when I grow up! Oh Wait! I AM a grown up! Damn… well - I still don’t know what I’m gonna do.  But when you apply for unemployment you have to upload your resume and you have to look for a job. Okay - but there’s only two months of summer left - I was gonna try to milk it… I’m not opposed to working… I’m opposed to being miserable. That’s an easy sacrifice to make when you’re doing it to support your spouse and or kids (family)…

Bad news - I pretty much blew my wad while in MI!  Blew what I had and some of what I didn’t have. Eh - my own fault… kind of expected that. No regrets!  Like I said - it’s just me n the dogs - we’ll be fine.  Things are tight. But again I AM okay with that. I don’t have a problem with that! My *eh-hem* figure will allow for a LOT of leeway in weather or not I eat everyday! ha ha ha — and I do mean that. It’s only hard when people ask you to go do things. I don’t like to say - “I can’t, I don’t have any money.” Because then they either say, “It’s my treat.” which IS nice of them - but it feels bad to me when it happens more than once.  OR they say, “Well I’ll loan it to you.” Because I don’t want to borrow anything from anyone.  Oh gawd no - *borrowing* is NOT what I need to do [or want to do] right now, especially now! So - No biggie - I’ve just had to learn how to saw “No. Thank You” - period, and am literally not doing anything… just staying home… reading and writing and stuff… not even mowing my lawn because of the gas! Then my sister brought me gas - like a week n a half ago!! How freaking cool is that?! And it’s rained every day or night since! ha ha - but - I have gas to mow down my jungle when it does dry out — it will! (still wet today – I walk through it every mid-day to check! Maybe tomorrow if it doesn’t rain tonight — it’s really really long.. I might just have to mow it wet!)

Bad news - Sarge hurt himself or pulled a muscle in his right hindquarter or something before I left for MI… Usually only saw signs after he’d been to the neighbor’s house running and playing w/ her dogs. Then it progressed to: fine in the morning, a little limp mid-day, and a prominent limp come night. Then one day when my sister was over here (the day I sucked the wine through the cork to get it out of the bottle) we noticed he wasn’t putting weight on it at all. That’s not good. I knew that was gonna be bad. From then on he was limping almost all the time and barely putting weight on it by nightfall every day. Being he is such a big dog I thought for sure it was his hips. Big dogs are notorious for hip problems. I’ve managed to take 10 pounds off him, but he still weighs 130 pounds! And that’s a good weight for him… ya can feel the ribs but can’t see em… perfect. So… I would have bet the money I don’t have on hips!

Good News!  It’s not his hips! YAY!!! All three of the dogs were due for their annual check-up… but Sarge needed the attention NOW – so I took him to the vet…

Bad news. It’s his knees… primarily right knee… for now. But just like humans… the more they baby one side the more stress they put on the other side.  The vet told me that day that he needed exploratory surgery like – yesterday! But the vet doesn’t allow payments – well… Then it would have to wait till payday.  It was estimated at $266… uhh…. turned out to be $450! And the results are what the vet suspected… he needs some serious surgery on that knee – ASAP. This one is bad (ACL tear, fluid, swelling, bone spurs, etc) and the other one is going to be bad too… and the longer he waits to get this one done, the faster the other one will deteriorate! So – guess where that refund from the mortgage escrow is going? Yep! And, the vet’s estimate for this next step? About $3G - $3700. Hmm… okay…Yes – at some point you have to realize that the cost of keeping the dog alive becomes ridiculous and you have to weigh reality. It’s a dog.  If he was old – or even significantly older, I would have to really consider this and what’s to come next. However – he’s not old. He’s 5. He’s spry and otherwise very healthy and seems happy. I had Emit, also a big dog (not quite as big, but…) for 12 years – awesome years. The pain slows Sarge down, but he’s still wanting to romp and play – he’s just not allowed! So – it must be done.

Good News!  They took hip x-rays to be sure – “The great news is that his hips are beautiful! Perfect! No sign of breakdown, nice, tight socket! This really pleases me.” the vet said. Yay!

Good News! Since he’s going to be on Rimadyl now – we needed baseline blood work. For the *most* part Rimadyl is a great treatment for many dogs who suffer from inflammation in general, especially arthritis. However – there are serious side effects, even if rare, that need to be considered. Dogs have died in a very short time and their deaths blamed on Rimadyl for lack of anything else wrong or new. So… *sigh* I added that blood work to today’s regime. Across the board his results are right down the middle – which is great news.  But this also means monthly blood work for the first 3 months – then every other month for the next six months, then twice a year annually. Yes – this is a familiar path, I went through this with Emit. But Emit found new life and I still thank Rimadyl for his last two years – at least.

The annual Mutt March is coming up on the 13th. The one mutt-centered event that we never miss. The one day I get to take my dogs to town to meet with a hundred or so other people who also love their mutts and can show off my ‘kids’ where everyone else is showin’ off their ‘kids’ and that’s the whole reason we’re all there! To support the shelter and adopting dogs vs. buying dogs from pet store of having them bred. The proceeds benefit the animal shelter I think – and they’ll have several adoptable dogs there too. My ‘kids’ are always a hit because of the extreme difference; 130lb Sarge, 6.5lb Lupe, and 9lb Jake – who even though he’s overweight – is extremely active and so excited to walk with me every day (well – most days!).

I’ll still take the little ones on the Mutt March - but Sarge can’t walk w/ us - so I’m looking for someone willing to set with him inside Alaskaland (Pioneer Park – whatever) while we walk so he can at least be around the other dogs. He’s been the biggest dog there for the last three years… he *has* to go! We’re just waiting for them Mastiff and Great Dane pups to grow up! I’ll call the lady who was so nice as to bring him to me! She saved him once; maybe she’ll wanna spend a little time w/ him!

So – good news, bad news, good news, bad news… the teeter totter has been an emotionally tiring, stressful few days (weeks) – but I have the time and freedom to juggle it – so I guess that’s another good thing.

My mind says to write, write, write without fear,
my conscious says to wait until tomorrow
when things are clear,
my subconscious reminds me that if I wait
I’ll lose everything I’m thinking of
so I must write
I must write, tonight

I love you and you mean the world to me
but we are still bonding
screw me once, shame on me
or was that hurt me once, shame on you

I want to trust you
and someday I will
maybe someday soon
to an extent I do
but I wanna trust one hundred percent
it just takes time

you are my sister
and I want that closeness again
once it was free, a given,
but now it has to grow

nothing to worry about,
no weight on your shoulders
except patience
if patience equals weight

you have no idea what our time means to me
time on the phone
time together
every time; all the time

I woke nearing 1400
time to get ready to go
I took a long bath
Oh how I love my bath time

I love the hot water
my meditation womb
the time which I think the best
and miss so much
because it flees by the time I write more — »

I just woke up… ya I know - noon:30. Feels like I’ve wasted half the day (like I waste every other day too, but…). I didn’t get to bed till 7am and I still think that’s only because I gave in and took an Ambien, so 5.5 hours isn’t excessive - it’s just right. But I really do hate waking up much past 10A no matter what time I go to bed… 10 just feels right, and anything earlier feels like I’m getting a jump on my day of doing nothing.

So I log into Google and see their famous logo all dressed up for a holiday, like they always do. I hover over it and it says, “Summer Solstice”. I thought, “You’re early silly, that’s not till tomorrow! Everyone knows it’s the 21st of June every year. ha ha” For some reason I clicked on the link… never done that before… it leads to a Google Search on whatever the hover text is, I guess. Sho nuff… it’s today! I never realized that it falls on the 20th every four years. Where have I been? Ahhh - this is the earliest it’s been since 1896! No wonder it’s news to me!

Summer Solstice - longest day of the year
June (6/20/08, 6/21/09, 6/21/10, 6/21/11, 6/20/12, 6/21/13, 6/21/14, 6/21/15, 6/20/16, 6/21/17, 6/21/18, 6/21/19, 6/20/20)

more — »

Holy Crap! The Short Bus was NOT a stupid Humor/Comedy!!

“Through graphic polymorphous sexual couplings — and using an ensemble cast composed largely of first-time actors — the film chronicles each character’s erotic journey of self-discovery in a raw and riveting fashion.”

LMFAO!!  Nope Nope Nope – it’s a raunchy independent film! I love it because it breaks so many rules – stupid rules anyway! If you’ve ever watched Real Sex on HBO – better! yet… pretty F’ing gross too!  And strange… sometimes I like strange… this is what I needed yesterday! But what I found was pretty damned good too. I do NOT recommend this to my friends or family however!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only those w/ WIDE open minds and very broad horizons!

Get comfortable – this is a long one.

I woke this morning way too early. It was a combination of a full bladder, a whining dog (who also had a full bladder) and that damned nest of extremely noisy woodpeckers outside my window. Oh, I don’t mean it. The woodpeckers aren’t damned, I love all the baby birds around here, but it is a lot like noisy kids. I don’t hate the kids, I hate the noise.

It began as a beautiful day. I drove down to Mocha Dan’s to get a cuppa java using my last filled punch card that I’d saved all winter. I saved them all winter knowing I’d be too broke this summer to buy coffee hut coffee… I’ve been using them only on the weekends, trying to make them last. I came home and heated up the left-overs from dinner at Gallo’s yesterday with sister and mother. It was really a great breakfast – missing only eggs, but I see no reason to buy a dozen eggs when I want only two, so I went without. It was still good, finished off with my coffee as if desert. more — »

I’m mad. Flat out pisssed off. The kind of mad you feel deep and long, maybe all day.

The worst part… I just woke up. It was a dream. But I still feel it. Real anger. Logically, I’m awake, I know it was just a dream. Physiologically, I still feel it, in my muscles, in my veins, my heart is still pounding – my arm hurts.

I can’t even begin to tell you the dream, because it makes no sense. I could set here babbling the words that describe what happened, but they won’t make sense either.

I can say I was someplace with a few people, we were waiting for something. We arrived late in the evening, it wasn’t quite dark outside, but almost… the sun was setting behind the building as I entered it. While waiting, I fell asleep; dozed off, as one may do in a waiting room. When I woke, they were gone. I wasn’t alone though, the place was filled with other people. I was frantic! I looked everywhere for my people, to no avail. I finally saw an employee I recognized from when we had all arrived, so I asked her where my people were. She rolled her eyes, let out a breath heavy with annoyance, and half motioned for me to follow her. more — »

Every Sunday PostSecret.com posts 10 new secrets… it’s like a ritual of mine to read them. Recently - I found PS on FaceBook as well =) this means - I can get up to 20 new secrets a week. I love this project. I HATE that the secrets don’t stay up forever… I hate that if you miss a couple of weeks - they’re gone - never to be seen again - unless they show up in one of the published books. However - that makes the whole project even more valuable in a sense.

Now - reading the secrets on the PS website is just that. Viewing. I see some responses, but I suspect those are sent to the publisher and he decides which, if any, responses to submissions are published. On FaceBook however, commenting is part of posting photos. I see notes of how comments may be removed - but am unclear if this means ALL comments, or just the disrespectful ones. more — »

A couple yrs ago I rolled a friend’s truck. I haven’t been able to listen to the radio while driving ever since… EXCEPT apparently when I’m on vacation in Michigan and driving a rental car…. or if on a long strip.
Here at home in Squarebanks, I drive from home to the store (3-5 miles), maybe to the doctor (5 mi), or even if I go to the farthest away restaurant I can think of that I’ve gone to (maybe 15 mi), but if I turn the radio on or put a CD in, it’s off again before I know it. When I go visit my friend Greta however, way out in BFa on the other side of Salcha (about 45 mi) I listen to music. I’ve put only 2500 miles on my truck since November, yet I haven’t gone anywhere. Not really. Barely even time for an oil chance yet.
I noticed both on my trip to MI in Oct as well as this one I just returned from - that I listened to the radio ALL the time! This time is was just too convenient with all the controls in that little Suzuki Forenza rental right there on the steering wheel - I didn’t even have to think or look to turn the music on or off or search for other stations! THAT was very sweet! Maybe it’s because in sixteen days I put 2500 miles on the car driving from N-S Greenville to Middleville and more — »

Before I left for MI I finally broke down and ordered my new glasses. *sigh* For the last couple of years the doc would give me a new script w/ bifocals… but that adds quite a bit to the cost. I’ve worn bifocals before - it was several years ago, but it had to be the lined bifocals and it was for therapeutic reasons. One eye wasn’t following the other like it’s supposed to, so wearing the bifocals helped give that one eye a little ‘physical therapy’. After a year or two - I didn’t have to wear them anymore. Well - those days are gone.

I’ve been having troubles with my eyes for the last couple years… oddities in night driving where all (I mean ALL) lights give off a fanning upward and outward, like a funnel. Considering we have just long, dark winters - it’s been really bothersome. My eyes also hurt a lot, and I had to start using lubricating gel (vs. eye drops), and over the past year I developed a serious ‘drop shadow’ on all text and fine lines. Not quite seeing double, but seeing a second copy of {whatever} setting about 40% below and left and at about 50% transparency of the original. It was really really annoying while I was working. Since I quit working in October - it’s not gotten any better, but when it gets annoying - I just do something else or stop reading for a while. It’s most noticeable when I read, and I suspect part of my chronic headaches. So… for that little problem - the doc gave me a prism! *sigh* and told me under no uncertain terms, “You are too old not to be wearing your bifocals! Single vision glasses won’t work for you anymore. At least not for now. And you *need* the prism too. So, as much as you want to rebel, just DO it!”

Fine! But I won’t like it.

I’m not feeling too hot today anyway. I didn’t sleep at all last night - literally not a wink. I’m coughing and sneezing and my head hurts (big surprise) it feels like allergies, but I’m only allergic to horses and cows ***as far as I know**. I did this in MI for a few days though too… so maybe I am getting something from the trees. Ehh, no biggie - I took a little Zyrtec around midnight - but no relief as of yet. my throat itches, making me cough a lot, then I gag, and almost hurl. I was glad my Sis and I decided to wait another week to go back to Curves (else we lose a month on our memberships.. this way they’re give us a month extension) - I could hardly stand there and talk to her for 20 min as I kept coughing and gagging.. I just wanted to go home. Ahh… but didn’t wanna waste the gas, and I had a doctor appointment on post so I decided to go to Walmart and pick up my new glasses.

While in the USAF in Germany at Hana AB, I worked for a year in optometry. That by no means makes me any kind of an expert - but I will confidently claim that I know more about eyeballs, vision, and glasses than the average Joe. Eyeballs fascinate me! The field fascinated me! It’s been so so long ago though. The lady at Walmart talked to me abut how the bifocals work in relations to my new field of vision vs. what I was used to, that and the fact that I have a prism now “might make you nauseous the first couple days”. Boy Howdy - does it ever! LOTS of breathing deep & slow, and water! I’d rebel and take them off - but *gasp* what a freaking concept! I CAN SEE! AND I see SINGLE lines!! Well, mostly - instead of 40% shadow, it’s more like 20% and only on the bottom - the doc gave me only half of the prism that I measured at, so the adjustment wouldn’t be drastic… meaning I’ll get a new script next year! (I do every year…). So, “Don’t you wish you’d done this earlier?!” No - that was $486 I could have kept and been happy! Ahh shit - I suppose it’s worth it… at least the VA pays for the exam!

They’re exactly the same style as I’ve been wearing, except that the frames are gold instead of blue. This is the only time you’ll see me wear gold… on my glasses - er… and on my teeth (crowns!).

Monday last I got that little salmon coloured piece of paper in my mailbox that sets my heart a twitter (not to be confused with actual twittering - however if that could transfer straight from me to twitter.com - that would be awesome) — I got a package. Also before I left for MI, in hopes of USING them in MI, I ordered Eagle Eyes sunglasses. The kind I can wear over my glasses. I usually wear the little spring loaded ones that grab on to the front of your glasses… I like them! But - sometimes the sun isn’t right in front of you! Like - while you’re driving… it can be on the side, above, or if you’re laying on the ground for some reason - below. So I got the Eagle Eyes… HOPING they’d come before I went to MI!

YES - I look a little retarded… but OMFingG - they really do what the commercial says! They are amazing! I will post a pic of me w/ my over sized bug-eyes when I get one!

*sigh* For the last two years a robin, I can only assume the same one, has built her nest on *top* of my motion lights by my front door. Not a bad thing as I don’t use my front door anyway so she’s relatively uninterrupted while setting on her eggs and raising her babies (photos on Flickr!). Last year she had TWO SETS of babies!!! I didn’t know they did that… I checked in on her daily… I’d stand out in front of the house watching the nest and once she had babies I’d stand there watching their neked little blind heads bobbing up and down begging for food every time she left the nest. As they matured, I’d set out in my truck int he driveway watching the babies gain the courage to leave the nest and once they did make the jump - usually just falling the 8 feet to the porch, I’d watch them wobble and stumble their way to the yard — all the while stressing myself out because I was worried for them… worried they’d die from the fall, worried one of my dogs would find them helpless in the grass, worried they’d fall through the cracks of the slats on the porch… it was stressing me out watching this beauty of nature because I feel some sense of responsibility for them. I found a dead robin right next to the house mid summer - assuming it was someone’s mama or daddy because it wasn’t a baby - and OMG I felt so awful!

Well, at the end of both season I had to remove the nest because it interrupted the functioning of my motion lights with the bits of grass and twigs hanging down over the motion detecting eye. When she returned the second year and built her nest int he same place - I thought it was okay. But this year - she built her nest while I was in Michigan…. 4 FEET from the main door of my house. The one I use! The one that is inside the little portable fence I put up for the little dogs. The one closest to the most traffic. And now she flies away every time I even go near the door, even just to look out at her. I cleaned the window really good yesterday in hopes of stealing some great photos this summer… I feel horrible! If she’d just stay there on her nest - she’d see that I won’t bother her at all, but instead every time I make a move I fear I’m interfering with her ability to raise her family. She’s really fat so she hasn’t laid her eggs yet - but when she does I sure hope she’ll feel more compelled to stay on her nest and learn to ignore me. Of course - Now I’m afraid to clean that part of yard that’s right next to her because there are lots of leaves there = her food is nearby. I’m afraid to mow the grass there because of the noise and possibility of the grass shooting out and ending up in her nest (it’s only 4 ft off the ground where she is) and disrupting her natural nest-keeping practices. And I definitely can’t spray that side of the yard, or that side of th house, like I do every year - spraying for ants & mosquitoes - because it will certainly poison her. So I swear - as much as I love birds and nature - this damned robin is going to stress me out! Photos to follow, in the 2008 Robins album, as eggs are lain and babies are hatched! (also on my MySpace and FaceBook)